Posts Tagged ‘humor’

Hi, my name is Oscar.  And I’m an addict.

My drug of choice is a wonderful little device known as a Blackberry.  Or a “Crackberry”, which is the more appropriate term for the case of this addict.  If you’re a proud owner of a Blackberry as well, you may very well know exactly what I’m talking about.  Oh yes, you know damn well what I’m talking about!

Let me just say that I used to frown at the idea of these so-called smartphones; maybe I’m old fashioned but I was one to say that a cell-phone is just that…a phone!  Why on earth would I need a fancy gadget with all these useless tools, when all I really want to do is just make a phone call?!  Besides, I’m not in the mood to read the in-depth novel that is the instruction manual.  Who wants a steep learning curve when all I really need to do is punch in a few numbers…a simple phone will do just fine.  And screw text messaging!  Boy, was I wrong.

I was introduced to Veronica, my “Blackberry Torch” (yes, I named it…don’t you judge me), in December of last year and we’ve been an inseparable item ever since.  My jealous girlfriend will attest to that fact (ironic because it was a gift from her); she seems to think I neglect her and spend more time on the phone than I do with her.  Silly, right?  Ok, so maybe she isn’t so wrong, but it’s just so pretty, shiny, sleek and sexy…and did I say pretty? 

All joking aside (for now), even though I’m not a techy-nerd, this apparatus is extremely useful!  In an attempt to justify my enamor and infatuation, I’ve highlighted some great reasons for my endless praises:

  1. An organized existence: Need to make and appointment?  Don’t have a calendar handy?  How about alerts to remind you of those pending engagements, meetings or important days?  Well, with a few clicks of your phone, you can do that all and you will never forget your girlfriend’s birthday or anniversary again!  That comes in handy, trust me.
  2. Stay in the social loop/What’s APPening?: If you’re a Facebook and Twitter addict, just download the applications and keep in touch with your circle of friends 24/7.  I happen to love the WordPress application, which allows me to blog directly from the device.
  3. You have mail: Don’t have a computer handy?  No problem!  A Blackberry pushes all your emails thru and notifies you in real-time when you receive new messages – and those annoying forwards.  Sending e-mails is just as easy.
  4. Let’s chit chat: No longer is text messaging the hottest trend.  With a Blackberry, you are part of an elite and exclusive club that comes with its own chatting platform known as Blackberry Messenger, or BBM.  Maybe this one is not that important, but it’s pretty cool to have a phone that comes with a unique identification number and barcode utilized for adding other Blackberry users to your BBM.  Exclusivity is the appeal here folks!
  5. Type away: The “QWERTY” keyboard is a personal preference for anyone that is a Blackberry lover.  I’ve tried phones that are strictly touch keyboard and I find that typos are abundant (and I don’t even have fat fingers).  There is something great about feeling those physical keys and pushing down on them to type out messages.  There is a slight learning curve, but I can type almost as fast as I do on a regular keyboard now.
  6. Real men don’t ask for directions: The Blackberry comes with a very useful built-in map that can get you out of any dead-end!  Who needs to ask for directions or resort to Mapquest when you have a personal GPS right in your phone?  I’m particularly fond of this one because my sense of direction is worse than that of a blind person in the middle of the Sahara.
  7. Say cheese: I used to think that camera phones were over-rated.  Until I realized that most people don’t walk around with their digital cameras; cell-phones on the other hand, are almost always on your person.  I will never miss a spontaneous “Kodak moment” again thanks to my trusty Blackberry!

So there you have it!  It’s not only a material possession; it really does have its useful perks. 

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to get back to her.  I’m getting withdrawals…

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What constitutes a man being in touch with his feminine side?  How does a woman come to the conclusion that a male counterpart should be labeled under that category?  A category generally frowned upon by other males, who tend to live by the “real man’s man” code, resulting in probable embarrassment for the guy viewed as too effeminate.  Yet females, from personal experience, tend to think of it as an endearing quality (a turn-on even), resulting in said male, secretly –or not—being proud of his higher than normal estrogen levels.

I’ve been told more times than I can count, that I am far too in touch with my feminine side.  Is it a justified observation?  Yah, probably.  The only thing that leaves me baffled is, how does one really determine what’s overly feminine behavior for a guy?  Is it really odd and out of character for a male to take extra care of their appearance, for example?  Granted, maybe I do go the extra mile; I take an awful long time styling my hair, especially for someone with short hair to begin with; my mom, being an aesthetician, offers facials (they’re amazing) and waxing for those extra, out-of-place eyebrow hairs that are a nuisance – I gladly accept the free services.

I lost points on the masculinity, macho scale amongst friends because I am loyal to a hairstylist and frequent a salon instead of a barber-shop.  I’ve been the butt of jokes because I’m a fan of going to the mall for a shopping excursion.  Gasp!  Is it really so bad that I like shopping for nice things?  Is it a crime that somebody sans menstrual cycles, knows how to color co-ordinate attire?

The aforementioned not only allude to me being in touch with my she-part, but it also means I’m a “metro-sexual”;  A made up term, probably stemming from the whole “being in touch with your feminine side” notion –glorified by pretty male celebs–  that I won’t delve further into, for this post.

Besides the appearance related aspects, being in touch with my femininity also applies to my sensitivity and emotional scale – as if there were an actual scale used to measure such things.  Crying in shows, books and movies usually causes a riot of laughter from my male buddies…maybe tearing up during “Spider-Man” might have been unwarranted, and I rightfully deserved the mock treatment, but give me a break.

If I’m ever overly romantic or bragging about my girlfriend, it automatically means I’m “whipped” and have lost some sort of independence…Or maybe I just like treating her good?

How about this one: “You’re such a girl”, after putting the toilet seat down in its rightful spot.  So a true man has to be devoid of simple manners and etiquette now?

I’ve come to the conclusion that the expression, “being in touch with your feminine side” is grossly misused and misunderstood.  The archetypal male and female have been set in stone and are predisposed to behave in a certain fashion by those that are likely to type-cast.  It’s usually harmless and the comments don’t bug me at all, especially coming from close friends.  I love the way I am, and I don’t have a problem showing off my more, sensitive side.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m definitely a guy with masculine sensibilities (lots of them), but being a momma’s boy my whole life, I can definitely see the influences.  I’m just a big softie around the almost non-existent edges – I must be leaking testosterone from somewhere.

Debunking Proverbs

Posted: April 9, 2011 in Humor
Tags: , , ,

“A proverb( prŏv’ûrb’) is a short pithy saying in general use, stating a general truth or piece of advice.”

We’ve all heard them.  Proverbs and sayings are wonderful words aimed to deliver a meaningful message.  We use them as expressions of wisdom – I use them to sound smarter and philosophical, but that’s just me. 🙂

They tend to be almost poetic in nature, mastering the use of metaphors and providing vivid imagery.  Some have origins dating back to biblical times; words that have been around for years, that will no doubt outlive us, and remain long after we’re gone.

All that fancy jazz aside, have you ever actually analyzed what some are trying to say?  I mean, really listen?  In retrospect, some have left me scratching my head, perplexed, feeling like I’m trying to solve a riddle instead of learn a lesson.  Obviously I’m being overly dramatic in hopes of providing a good chuckle, but it’s true that some proverbs make more sense than others.

I’ve decided to highlight some of these great lesson-providers and give them the analytical, cross-examination treatment.  Debunk the fine phrases we’ve all dished out, in order to exemplify the “moral of the story”.

Before I offend anyone, let me say that I do understand the true meaning/message of the following proverbs and sayings; I just thought it would be fun –possibly funny—to view them with a more literal approach.  Let’s start:

“You can’t have your cake and eat it too.”

And why not?  What else do you propose I do with it?  Of course I’m eating it…especially if it’s strawberry shortcake!  Mmmmm.

“What you don’t know can’t hurt you.”

Really?  Suppose for a moment –hypothetically speaking– I was clueless about my girlfriend having sexual escapades behind my back.  Does the statement ring true if she gave poor, unsuspecting me a bad case of herpes?  Yah, I think that would hurt me in more ways than one.

“He, who lives by the sword, shall die by the sword.”

Tell that to Aldo Nadi, considered to be the greatest fencer of all time – he died in his sleep.

“The early bird catches the worm.”

That’s great, but what if I want to be the worm in the scenario?  I guess there is no reward for being an early worm.  Sigh.

“Good things come to those who wait.”

I can wait around my whole life for that Audi to pull up in my driveway, but I’ve been told to work my butt off for the things I want.  This one should be labelled under “wishful thinking”.

“There’s a sucker born every minute.”

Nothing wrong with this one, but at the rate of the ever expanding population, it probably just needs to be updated immediately.

What about some that blatantly contradict each other?

“Absence makes the heart grow fonder.”

Or

“Out of sight, out of mind.”

So, which one is it?  What a dilemma.

“Too many cooks spoil the broth.”

Or

“Many hands make light work.”

What is the better choice?  I guess one panders to the lazy population!

Clearly I’ve taken the words out of context and completely skewed the important lessons they’ve been teaching for many, many years.  The truth is, all of these proverbs, sayings and idioms have a brilliant message behind their, sometimes convoluted words.  But there is nothing wrong with having a bit of fun with it.  🙂